Dreams and Opakapaka

DREAMS AND OPAKAPAKA

It’s been three and a half years since Hank passed and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. I miss him so much.

Lately though, I’ve been having very realistic dreams in which he is present and sometimes they are so real, that I actually question, while within the dream, now, whether it is really a dream. Like three dimensional conversations with real me, dream me, and another me who’s watching the conversation between real me and dream me and trying to moderate it.

Take last night, I woke up in a dream where Hank was lying beside me like what would have been normal. I know he is dead but, I asked him if he was real, he said “yes” so he put his arm around me as it to prove it and it felt so real and comforting, like normal, And, then I woke in the dream to tell him he was not real — he said ok, but he is here nonetheless. So, to prove it he got up and went to the window and looked into what was supposed to be a neighbor’s house but it was not real because our houses are not that close and you can’t see inside their windows. He threw something at them and it did not affect them — because he was not real!! Then he said, the advantage to his being in this unreal state is that he can go to their houses and tell me what they are saying about me! This is so un-Hank, that I had to laugh. But, did I laugh out loud or in the dream — I don’t know.

We were talking about whether he was real or not — and what it was like not being real if he wasn’t — and then I woke up in the dream again to ask myself if I was talking in my sleep — I don’t know.

When I finally did wake up, for real, Brownie was whining at the screen door, so I let him in, I felt surprisingly relaxed, not like in some of the dreams where I wake up almost in a panic state, feeling as though I have traveled through multiple dimensions in fear and panic until I forcibly eject myself into a present reality with heart stopping urgency I am awake!

But that was not this time. I was almost energized by his presence — wanting to spend more time talking — I think this all might have something to do with the fish. Early that day, I had a taste for really fresh fish and collard greens as my plants had been eaten by the snails. I decided I’d go to Foodland Farms to buy some ono or fresh ahi. But when I got there they had a whole opakapaka which has been rarely seen these days and ridiculously expensive when it shows up. Opakapaka was Hank’s favorite fish and whenever it was on the menu, regardless of its always ridiculous price, he ordered it. Today, though it was expensive but not terribly so, I have come to this place in my life where I consciously feel free to do what I like without apology. Self care, they call it. So I bought a small whole opakapaka and some fresh collard greens (and some sushi) to prepare for a tasty evening meal. Paired it with a lovely Sancerre. And it was quite delicious, too. Listened to some Redman and Sanborn.

So, I’m thinking that the dream was so vivid and real with Hank might have been because he wanted some of the opakapaka!